Avaricia Vitae

11:27pm: Updates and consistency
Well, its been a long time since I posted here... Crikey. But onto the update.

So what's happened...? Well, I'm back into college classes. I take one each day, from 7:45 pm to 10:45 pm. I'm currently in Algebra II (default math class that most people are placed in) and JAVA programming. Both are more boring than you would believe, I'll tell you what.

I'm leaving Okinawa in a few weeks. I'll miss the place, but I understand I don't belong here, it doesn't fit my lifestyle. I feel I got into the culture far too late, and because of that, I can't really enjoy this place.

I've been getting really emotional lately... mostly due to wanting to find someone. I know, I try too hard, far much too hard, and I just need to loosen up and accept someone for who they are as a friend. Have to start small, then work from there; a relationship is nothing if you don't have a friendship. I met someone really wonderful that I want to build our friendship on, but I know its going to take work and patience, though I've been told that the best things are those that you have to work for.

I'm starting to write more and draw more; I finally get the basics of anatomy, and am just drawing more and more to get familiar with it.

(note that this is unfinished, i'll get back to it after I customize things a bit)

8:19am: I guess I was wrong...
She still isn't ready to talk to me. She was very friendly with me yesterday, treating me as if I were her best friend and problems were solved, and now she was how she was the day before, wanting me to not even talk to her.

I really don't know what to think, I honestly and truely don't. Is she still wanting to be friends with me? Does she just want to be left alone completely? I don't know, and its really hurts being so confused. I just want to be friends again, talk like we used to before all this relationship junk got in the way, but i don't know if she wants that.

Everything is so confusing on what it is. Am I allowed to talk to her and treat her with friendship, or am I supposed to stay away? Does she want me to be her close friend, or just an advisor when things go bad? I'm trying to be as friendly as I can to her, treating her with the utmost respect, but i don't know what kind of treatment she feels is right to recieve from me.

Yesterday she was so happy talking to me. We discussed how we still need time, and how we're glad things are getting better, but i dont know if she really felt that way. She potentially is wearing kid gloves in front of me, talking one thing so i don't get upset and acting her true self when I'm not around. I really am acting as I honestly feel about her, that I want her to be friends and happy with me again, though somehow I feel I'm wasting my time with kindness, even if it comes from the heart.

I'm just going to leave her alone, permanently. I'm not going to read any of her journals, send her any more emails, and talk with her no more on Yahoo or MSN or anywhere else. Until I know for certain that she wants to be friends again, I'm taking no steps on finding out on my own if she is.

9:50am: Big Huge Relief, finally.
Oh boy, it feels better to finally have things start winding down, though with some of the things trinkling down to where they landed I'm not happy with, but it can't be helped.

Okay, first the easier stuff to explain. I have gotten back my class grades from college, and I got an A in Sociology... but a D in English Composition. The stupid teacher wanted my original 2 drafts from my 3 essays and I didn't have them, since I overwrote the file as I corrected it... but I can't do much about it. I'm not a cheap kind of person that'll create some bullcrap draft to fill in the blanks, I was honest and said I don't have them. Mom understands what happened, and she's not mad; rathar mom's trying to cheer me up, saying I can pull up my GPA since its really early in my educational path.

Things with her have finally calmed. Her and I had been passing Deviantart notes back and forth along with messages on Yahoo messenger for a long while, having our own versions of what happened and trying to understand each other. We talked a good three hours, and finally we're happy with each other again. A lot of what's happened the last 8 months has hurt us both, stemming from both misunderstanding of ourselves and of each other. Its been so long, I had forgotten what I wanted from love, and she noticed that and acted strange. Too many things got out of control, and it shouldn't have happened the way it did, but it has at least brought her and I closer, happy to speak to one another again and understanding what we want out of love.

There was a lot of pain in that long talk her and I shared, but we needed to talk about it. Things needed to be put to rest and understandings were needed to be made, which had been created from this long period of us being apart and talking to others about what we seek to do. I'm very glad things have calmed, I had cried last night because all this is finally over. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, and a sense of caring that i felt when her and I were together has came back- that joy I felt when I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and that understanding you share when things have changed as to what you want them to be.

If we look at things from how i felt when my emotions really were as I want them to be, you can say that I love her again. But my definition of love is far different from others: its a close friendship, full of understanding and hope, accepting whatever life throws at the one you care about and you, and dealing with it one step at a time. I need this time to figure out who I am, and so does she. I don't know if things'll lead to where her and I are together again as a couple, but if they do, they do, and if they don't, then I'll still be okay. God and Goddess still have things planned for her and I, and whatever happens I'll deal with, but as my original thoughts told me, the ties her and I share still are strong, and one day we can possibly regain that bond we shared, one strong enough to worthy to call a full and complete love between us. But her and I will always remain friends, standing side by side, waiting for the days when we are ready to devote ourselves to the ones we should be with.

Dear Gods, does it feel far greater to be lifted from all this pain. Far greater than I could ever imagine.

9:24am: Sometimes I just don't get it.
Just as things start to come to a close, as college finishes this term and I start resolving problems with an old friend of mine, and when I finally am happy, stupid stuff like this has to happen.

Why the hell, I don't know. Someone's mad at me, and acting very arrogant about herself, and even after apologizing about all that's happened, she still is like this. I simply don't get it, and its pissing me off.

She's got her a nice shiny prom dress, a new date, a nifty scholarship, and an attitude toward me that's pretty damn sharp. I've tried talking to her the last 3 days, but all i get is "fine" and "okay" and the infamous "i gotta go, my mom/brother now has the use the computer [now that you've started talking to me]." I'm just sick and tired of it. I'm not asking her out, I'm not stalking her- in fact I've actually gave her a whole lot more space than she asked for, not even reading any of her journals- but yet, this stuff still happens.

*breathes* calming down now. A little peeved that this is getting to me as well, especially when I cheered up today after something very emotional that I needed to deal with. Part of my mind is telling me that I don't need to deal with this crap that's being thrown at me; I've taken one step towards being mature, standing up for what I believe in and what I want. I don't need some ex-girlfriend putting me down because I possibly angered her a few weeks ago. There are people in my life that'd rather see me happy and not fretting over something so silly, and so I'm going to take their request to heart.

Anyway... what else is occurring... oh, my mom's heading to alaska next monday. I won't see her for 3 months, but I'll be able to deal with it. Worst thing is dealing with all the housework Dad's gonna make me do, and that won't be too much of a problem. My brother's heading there with her, and they're gonna look for a house while mom gets set up for her new job. Things are progressing, and I'm glad.

As for the situation I said that I got over with, well... let's just say that I've been able to look back at how i really felt about people and saw what mistakes I've made, and took steps to get over what emotions I have concerning these people. There's still stuff that I need to sort out, but overall I'm happy. I'm finally able to take steps forward and have the confidence back I lost years before, and I've realized I had a friend that was a lot closer than I realized- almost like a little sister, though... maybe that's a bad comparison due to history ^^; Regardless, I have a feeling things are going to start getting better, and that I know there's someone out there, I just have to wait for fate to bring things together.

Anyway, I'm done with the journal, can't think of anything else to talk about. Talk to you guys later hopefully XD

10:59am: Solemn and Abandoned
I don't get it. I really don't get it. I mean, she even says she's going to check her email and write me back, but never does. Why do I still try? Why do I even care about her? I want to let go, but can't find any way to.

A friend of mine ran a freeform game, to where we had died and been revived 4000 years in the future. One of the first things to my mind was whether or not she was still alive; I was told she had died millenia ago, and wasn't cloned. My heart sunk when I heard that, even if it was a game. The thought of never talking to her again felt awful, and I had trouble interacting with the story after that.

Why? Despite how badly I'm being treated and avoided, I don't know why I still am here. I still love her over all people, and thoughts of her in happy moods always calm me. Visiting her neighborhood with friends brought back lots of memories, and I wished I could see her once again. She's everything I love and also everything that drives me insane with annoyance. The fact that she can drive me from both sides of the emotional spectrum by herself is a feat nobody can do, and yet I don't know what else to say.

I miss her horribly. I look at Luna every night and pray for her to be watched over, to be kept safe.

Is this why I still try? Because I never have been told goodbye, that its over? Maybe if I heard those words I'd be able to let this go. Until then, I don't know what to think or believe, and I'll be stuck on her until I'm told to stop waiting.

1:28am: Insomnia of the saddest kind
I can't sleep...

About 3 hours ago, I found out the worst news I thought I could hear in weeks... that I really am being avoiided. That I really do scare the one I love through the amount of attention I showered upon her.

I screwed up, messed up, and couldn't be told why. I couldn't even be told to leave her alone, she simply just went up and avoided me. She talked about how she didn't want to deal with me, and it almost felt as if she thought I was a stalker... or it sounded like that.

I didn't mean to overburden her with attention. I'm too scared people are going go leave me again, so I talk to them as much as possible, which often backfires like this. I don't know why it happens, why I'm scared of being alone... but i just want to be loved. I want someone in my life, someone to want me, and finding out that I scare someone on how devoted I am really stabs me in the heart.

I tried sleeping after apologizing to my ex girlfriend's sister about things that happened in the past, and i failed. I threw up earlier tonight, partially due to food and partially due to getting overemotional, and my stomach hasn't felt good ever since. I feel very cold, I have two blankets on top of me as I type this journal; my eyes hurt from how much I've cried over the last few days. At the same time, I feel a solemn understanding, yet also a loneliness and a emptiness, a feeling that I was not good enough for someone. That I let down the world, and must suffer this because of it.

Before, I had a desperate hope, a small thread that clung onto love. I now have an empty heart, one that belongs to the one I love, but somehow I feel its going to be empty for a good long while, a solitude that I deserve. I messed up, I did not control my emotions, and I must pay this way.

I believe I said it earlier to Aki: "So this is how a puppy feels when it gets hit with a rolled-up newspaper."

Here's to hoping I can sleep, that my stomach will stop punishing me for all I have done, at least for a few hours. Goodnite everyone. Take care, and may Luna and Thor watch over you, as they always have.

10:07pm: ...I should be doing homework.
Meh. Its 10pm, and I'm sitting here avoiding doing work by writing this. And to think I got a midterm due next Saturday... *sigh*

My whole week's been interesting. My dreams have slowly been returning to my abnormal weirdness, including strange representations of people in my life. I'd talk about them here, but if I did, I'd probably never get around to getting to my homework (as much as I dread it).

Things were strange Thursday. I was thinking of someone I love, and then I got sad. I missed her, but not in a way I knew of; I couldn't identify what it was. The whole entire day I was down, doing my job and thinking of her. By the time my day was over, I was crying quietly, sunglasses on so nobody'd see easily. I had thought of my great-grandmother that died a good 4 years ago, one I didn't know all too well since I never visited her often. I hadn't thought of her for at least 3 years, and that time I was over at a friend's house staying over, and just cried talking to him (my friend). Somehow, I feel these two things are connected- either their personalities are the same, their appearances are similar, or they each remind me of each other.

But why would I do that though? I havn't thought of Grandma Ruby in 3 years. I've kept all those feelings to myself. Human emotion, even my own, confuses me.

I read old letters from my loved one this evening, and smiled. Though there has been problems and I've missed her horribly, reading her sweet letters always makes me happy once again. Too many days I've had memories of sad things, each day one that I look back on in sadness. I need to get over it, be happy again. I don't want her scared anymore of not understanding who I am; I want her to see happiness in me once again and be overjoyed to be talking to me again. I had so much wonderful things occuring in my life in June- letters, phone calls, talking everyday to her simply about little things- I miss them so much, and they all put me in a good mood when I recall them.

What gets me most about all those old letters is her telling me she loves me. Normally looking back at ex-girlfriend's letters makes me sad, especially recalling past events- its probably why I don't have any more of their letters, since I got rid of them. The past can be a tragic reminder. Yet though, there's something there, something that won't let me go, something I've been greatful to give me daily hope. I know that there has to be love still there, something that she's barely holding onto in her undetermined life.

There's a confidence I must find within myself; Dear beloved, I'm doing the best I can to find it, each day getting a step closer to you. The road will be long, but the journey down this less-travelled path will be worth it. I love you, with all my heart; know that Luna and I watch over you as you sleep.